Unspeakable Affliction
by gilmoregirl-pl
Summary: The cruel fate forced them apart. Now, after many years, they get a chance to reunite. However, it might not be that easy. "It seemed as if I was on the edge of a cliff – I knew how amazing the flight would be, but felt too scared to actually jump."


**Hi, guys, I'm back!**

**It's a one-shot this time. I wanted to write something containing a bit more drama. I truly hope you will like it crosses her fingers.**

**Enjoy!**

Three songs I listened to while writing this (Youtube):

/watch?v=1JY8YHg0xzw&feature=related

/watch?v=dxlm3bp5XPA&feature=related

/watch?v=XuILlUJKJ2Y

**Unspeakable Affliction**

The sky at twilight was beautiful.

The bright yellow sun was descending slowly, painting beautiful, colourful pictures. It would hide soon, but for now it still warmed the world with its sunbeams like a summer wind. The sky was burning, though the red, yellow and bronze were becoming darker with each passing minute. The sea was calm, waves quietly breaking on the shore.

I observed the nearby rocks sticking out of the water's surface, my finger absentmindedly playing with the sand. I liked coming to La Push. The ocean always helped me find some sort of solace and quiet the chaos of thoughts in my head, and that day I really craved it.

He was coming back.

When I had heard that news from a lady working in the local shop, my items had almost fell out of my hands. I should really not be that surprised. His family still lived here, so it was not as if he had had nothing to come back to.

I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, wondering if he is there yet. Would he seek me? Would he even care? My mind constricted at the thought that he wouldn't. Even after all these years, every cell of my body loved him as strongly as the day he left.

I knew I could have stopped him or gone after him. He had asked me several times if it had been what I wanted, and had always received a confirmation. Little had he known how hard it had been for me.

My affliction had been unspeakable; I had been torn, confused, but also determined in my resolution – I could not and would not destroy his dreams, his future. He had always longed to become a doctor like his father Carlisle, wished to impress him. When he had got admitted to Yale, one of his biggest dreams had come true. I had been so happy for him, but at the same time despaired, realizing that I would not be able to follow him. My father Charlie and I had been apart for so many years. I just could not find it in me to leave him after just two years of being reunited with him. Besides, I had grown to love Forks – its calmness, proximity of the ocean, even its horrible weather, and had not felt like moving again.

I could not leave, and he had had to go.

In my mind I saw his expression from the day I had told him I was going to stay in Forks. His tears-filled eyes had haunted me days by days, deepening my own despair. We had both known that long-distance relationships never worked, and decided against trying to have one.

I raised my trembling hand and touched my bottom lip, recollecting our last kiss, passionate, full of unspoken feelings. Neither one of us had wanted to break it, dreading the moment when we would no longer be together. At least, when our lungs had been screaming for oxygen, we had let our lips part, crying silently in each other's arms.

That was the last time I had seen him, and now, seven years later, he was coming back.

He had never come to Forks for any Christmas, Thanksgiving or other holidays during all these years – it had always been his family who had visited him in New Haven, since he had either had to study or had an internship. I was very curious what had possessed him to visit the town now.

I opened my eyes and listened to the quiet noise of the sea, breathing in the salty air. Suddenly I shivered, feeling a change in the atmosphere. It was as if the air became electrically charged, the electricity running down my veins, making me alive again.

He was there.

My suspicions were confirmed as I heard steps on the sad, getting louder and louder. I certainly had not expected him there and did not really know what to do. I squeezed my eyes tightly, trying to calm down my rapidly beating heart, but it was not really working. My body's reaction to his proximity was still very powerful.

A few seconds later I felt the heat of his body next to me as he sat down by my side. I slowly opened my eyes, though I did not dare look at him. My head was spinning, my mind trying to understand what was happening and failing miserably – it had always been difficult for me to think clearly whenever he had been around.

Neither us said anything for the next couple of minutes. We observed the sun that had reached the horizon line, birds flying over the waves and the spectacle of colours in front of us.

I couldn't stand it anymore. I had so many questions.

"How did you find me?" I inquired softly, still not averting my eyes. I held my breath as I awaited his response.

"Your father," he stated simply, his voice as velvet and deep as I had remember it. Hearing it after all these years caused a shiver to run down my spine.

I nodded, my throat suddenly dry. I inhaled deeply, my lungs filling with the scent of the ocean and his cologne – the most perfect combination in the world.

"Did you..." I started, unsure how to formulate my next question. I cleared my throat. "Did you come here to Forks alone?"

Out of the corner of my eye I could see him run his hand through his tousled hair. I smiled internally at his habit, glad that that had not changed completely in the course of the years.

"Yeah," he replied quietly and then I felt his gaze on me. I still refused to look at him, too scared of how my body or mind might react upon seeing him in his whole glory.

Blush appeared on my cheeks as his eyes continued to bore into me. I shifted uncomfortably under his gaze's intensity and was about to say something to reduce the palpable tension when I heard him say, "I'm back for good, Bella."

"What?" was my surprised reply and before I could control myself, my eyes drifted to the right to meet his.

He was still so handsome. I couldn't really fathom how he could have wanted to be with me in the past – me, plain, boring Bella. He was a school star, valedictorian, the best athlete, and I was just some random girl. I had never been self-confident and had always been afraid that I was not good enough for him. Now I still thought so.

"I'm back for good," Edward repeated softly. "I accepted a job offer in Port Angeles and bought a house here in Forks. I can't stay away from my family any longer."

He opened his mouth and after a few seconds closed it. I had a feeling he had wanted to continue his sentence, but stopped himself in the last moment.

My mind tried to wrap itself around what he had just said. He was moving back to Forks. He was going to be close to me from now on and he was apparently single. We could... I did not dare think that far ahead. I still did not know what his intentions were; I didn't even know what I truly wanted.

Edward shifted his gaze towards the ocean and he suddenly looked nervous. He was playing with the sand beneath his palms, drawing some random patterns with his fingers.

"You don't have to answer this question, I will understand if you don't, but... Are you single?"

My heart almost leaped out of my chest. He cared... He still cared...

"I am," I whispered, shifting my gaze towards the ocean as well. During all these years I had been unable to form a serious relationship with any man, even Jacob. I had compared all of them to Edward and, of course, neither of them could equal to him. None of them had been sweet, charming, handsome, loving, amusing and caring at the same time.

I felt his gaze on my face again. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him raise his hand towards my cheek. My eyes involuntarily closed when the soft flesh of his palm enveloped the right side of my face.

"You have no idea how much I missed you," Edward whispered, his voice hoarse and filled with emotions.

I opened my eyes slowly and they widened slightly when I realized how much closer Edward now was; I could almost feel the heat of his body on my entire skin. My cheek was burning from his touch. My heart was making my hands twitch with desire to touch him, my heartbeat speed up and my head was spinning. My mind was telling me to pull away – I had been destroyed once and I probably wouldn't survive it if I had to go through that hell again.

Edward's eyes searched mine. I don't know what they were looking for, but his gaze was so intense that I almost wanted to hide. It reached the depth of my soul.

It was when he started leaning his head towards mine that I finally broke out of my stupor and moved back. My body instantly missed his touch, but I finally could think more clearly. Edward's hand fell off my cheek to the sand. I could see pain in his eyes and felt a sudden need to comfort him. I lowered my gaze to my lap to collect my thoughts.

"Edward... I can't," I managed to say, my throat constricting. I swallowed the lump there and took a big breath to slow down my furious heartbeat. I needed to get away from there.

"Bella–" Edward started, desperation audible in his voice, but I was already on my feet, heading across the beach towards the parking lot. "Bella!"

I could hear him scramble to his feet and the sound of his feet meeting the sand. I quickened my pace, but my trials to escape him were futile. His hand circled my left wrist, successfully stopping my flight.

"You cannot leave like this," Edward panted into my ear. "Not before I tell you how I feel about you."

Before I could protest, he turned me towards him and wrapped his strong arms around my waist, pulling me into a hug. I tried to fight him off, pounding into his back, but without much energy. His masculine smell and warm body were making me turn into a jelly.

"Release me, please, release me," I repeated my mantra, my voice breaking. "Please, please..."

I did not even realize when I started crying. My sobs were muffled by Edward's cotton sweater, my tears staining the material. I could no longer control my emotions as I kept crying violently, holding on to Edward for dear life.

"Shh," he kept murmuring into my hair, pressing his lips softly to my scalp, which only was making me cry harder.

It took me a long time to finally calm down. My head remained buried in Edward's sweater, my eyes closed, my nose inhaling his soothing smell. I felt spent and was unwilling to move from the comforting spot, though I knew it was inevitable.

After what felt like hours, I raised my head gingerly and my gaze met Edward's.

"I'm sorry," I croaked out quietly and sniffled. I wasn't sure what I was apologizing for – for running away, crying like a fool or ruining his sweater? Or maybe for something else?

"It's okay," Edward assured me, lessening his grip on my body slightly, but not releasing me. "You needed this. Will you talk with me now?"

I nodded and allowed him to pull me to the sand next to him. This time it was different, though; Edward's arm was wrapped around my shoulders, my body pressed into his side. I couldn't find it in me to protest any longer. I need this; need him.

We sat quietly for a few minutes, watching waves breaking on the shore. My hand played with the sand beneath it, the other one clasped with Edward's. Finally he decided to break the silence.

"There wasn't a day when I was away from Forks that I didn't think about you," he confessed quietly and my heart skipped a beat. "I fought with myself constantly. I wanted to quit school and go back here to you." I could hear pain in Edward's voice. "But I couldn't. I had to think about my future and, hell, my dad was so proud of me... And as time passed, I realized I might have had nothing to go back to, especially when I heard you started dating Jacob Black."

I winced at the mention of his name. I felt the need to explain myself to Edward, to pour out my true feelings. Most importantly, I felt the need to finally stop lying to myself that I could live without Edward or ever forget him.

"Jacob... It was never anything serious, at least on my part," I said quietly, looking down at our clasped hands. It was easier to form my thoughts and express them when I wasn't looking at him. "It was..." I hesitated, heat filling my cheeks. I knew that it was time to say the truth, though it didn't mean it was easy. "It was just one of the many trials to erase you from my memory or my heart," I whispered, finally saying aloud what I had felt inside my heart for so many years, but hadn't been able to admit.

Edward's arm pressed me slightly closer to his body, his grip on my shoulder tightening.

"I heard you had turned down his proposal," he said quietly, his voice strained.

I looked up at him, surprised. With his family still in Forks it must have been easy for him to obtain information about my life, but I just didn't think he would have wanted to know such things. I had avoided any news about his life as much as I could to avoid tormenting myself.

When I didn't answer for a few seconds, Edward turned his head to meet my eyes. His intense gaze prompted me to confess the truth.

"He wasn't you," I replied simply, sincerity filling my voice.

Edward exhaled deeply and leaned forward slightly, resting his forehead against mine.

"I tried to forget you, I tried so fucking hard," he breathed out, his voice slightly hoarse. "I was sure you would move on and be happy just as I wanted you to be. I immersed myself in stacks of books and internships, reducing my free time to minimum. This way my mind was constantly distracted and I could avoid thinking about you. I thought I was doing so well, but when I heard about the proposal..." he swallowed, evidently trying to control his emotions. "I wanted to kill the motherfucker for everything – for touching you, loving you, being there for you and thinking about creating a family with you. I knew that you had turned him down, but the mere thought that you could have settled down with him..." Edward raised his head and looked down at me, fire in his eyes. "All I could think about was that it should have been me. I should have been the one offering you my eternal love."

I shivered and closed my eyes, my head spinning from the excess of mixed feelings. I was happy and excited, but I also felt scared and vulnerable. My heart was telling me to embrace him and never let go, while my mind urged me to run away before he disappeared and destroyed me again. It seemed as if I was on the edge of a cliff – I knew how amazing the flight would be, but felt too scared to actually jump.

Before I made my decision, though, I needed to ask one vital question.

"Do you still want this?" I inquired gently as my eyes fluttered open. I didn't need to make my question more precise – he knew exactly what I meant.

"Yes," Edward replied confidently, searching my face to try and find out whether I wanted that as well.

My heart decided before my mind had time to process what he just told me. With sudden determination I leaned forward and pressed my lips forcefully to his. They were just as I had remembered them – full and soft.

After the initial shock Edward quickly took control over the kiss, intertwining his long fingers into my hair and pulling my head to his. We quickly let go of our inhibitions, our tongues dancing with each other feverishly. The world under my eyelids seemed red and it matched the atmosphere around us. Even though the air on the beach was crisp and it was rather chilly, to me it seemed hot and humid. I could feel Edward's heart pounding against his chest as our heartbeats got quicker and quicker. I was finding it hard to breathe, my lungs screaming for me to search for some source of oxygen, but I couldn't find it in me to break our heated embrace. It seemed as if I finally were where I should have been for all those years. I felt secure and loved. The passion flowing through my veins was full reciprocated by Edward and the knowledge was making me extraordinary bold and self-confident. For a moment I let myself forget about the years of my affliction, allowing myself to believe that everything could once again be as it should have always been.

I tugged at Edward's smooth hair and he moaned into my mouth. Our lips finally stopped moving and for sever minutes we sat there on the cool sand of La Push beach with our foreheads resting against each other, trying to catch our breaths. The sun was already hidden below the horizon line and it was getting darker and darker with each passing minute. The darkness was making the heat escape our bodies quickly and I was aware of the fact that we couldn't sit there much longer if we hadn't wanted to get sick.

It seemed like forever before we eventually raised our heads and looked at each other. Even in the dark I could see the spark in his eyes that wasn't there before.

He looked happy, truly happy, and I knew my expression matched his own.

"I love you, Bella, not only for who you are, but also for who I am with you," Edward whispered. "I haven't been this happy for the last few years. I don't think I have ever been this happy."

There was a long road before us. We would have to get to know each other again before we could think of becoming a couple one more time. I couldn't promise him my heart or 'forever together' at the moment, but there was one perfect way to respond to his words.

"I love you, too."

**So, what do you think? I'm waiting for your reviews!**

**Martyna**


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